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I didn't die so now what?

When I was trying to figure out what to do with my life after everything that happened to me in the last year I googled, I didn't die so now what? There were posts after posts of suicide attempts gone wrong so let me clear that up now. I did not try to commit suicide, well unless purposeful unhealthy behavior and denial are considered attempts.

I was a drinker for a very long time and when the pandemic hit I wasn't diagnosed with The Rona, I was diagnosed with liver disease. I immediately quit drinking but it was to late my liver was toast. I found my specialist, did my due diligence got my bloodwork, followed directions but got sicker and sicker. My liver was leaking, that's the easiest way to explain it. I went to another specialist and had my abdomen drained via ultrasound guided paracentesis weekly. I was weak, I was in pain, I was a mess. Then I lost my mind and tuned yellow. My liver couldn't keep up with the toxins I was still putting in my body (shitty food and smoking cigarettes). I left my car running all night once, left the refrigerator door open all the time, a couple of times I just couldn't make the turn into my neighborhood. One time I couldn't make myself park at the hospital for a paracentesis and a medic had to park my car and wheel me in through emergency. I was admitted for messed up bloodwork values and signed myself out (denial). Then the day finally came when I couldn't sign myself out. I was transferred to the big hospital downtown and lost consciousness. Turns out I had a perforated bowel. What happened next I only know from what I was told. The prognosis was dire. The surgeons didn't want to try and fix it because I wasn't stable enough to undergo surgery. One Dr, my savior, stepped up and told my mom, no promises, 30% chance of survival but I'll do it. He saved my life. It worked but I was in a coma for 3 weeks.

The rest of the story and gory details we can get into later but the fact is, here we are almost a year later and I wanted to find people that have lived to tell the tale and see what they did with it so I can figure it out too. Hence, I didn't die so now what.

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